Monday, February 22, 2010

"As A Lifelong Practitioner Of The Martial Arts"

Here's an article by Jack Feerick, on chronicling the duchebaggery that is Steven Segal: Lawman, the new "reality" series on the A&E network. Feerick starts with the premise that the show is ripe for "so bad it's good" yuks, but finds Segal takes into "so bad it's creepy" territory. Exhibit A:
Seagal’s the only cop in this gang of four wearing a bulletproof vest, presumably because Steven Seagal is the biggest p*ssy in the Jefferson Parish sheriff’s department. He sits in the passenger seat, rocking his yellow-tinted specs — what, he thinks he’s Bono now? — and providing a hysterically self-important narration, as atmospheric B-roll fills the screen. “As a lifelong practitioner of the martial arts, I’m trained to remain calm in the face of adversity and danger,” he says (Seagal begins many sentences with the words, “As a lifelong practitioner of the martial arts”). “When the world is speeding by for others, I see things for what they are. A cock of the head, a foot planted forward or back, a flick of the wrist — they all tell me something.” This is accompanied by a slow roll-by of two black youths, juxtaposing one grabbing his crotch with Seagal glaring at him appraisingly.

Im giggling there, but then it turns to this, Exhibit B:

In one episode, Seagal’s posse descends upon two guys leaving a house in the small hours of the morning. “I think these guys are drinking,” Seagal snarls, and sure enough, one is toting a still-full bottle of Goldschlager. Open-container laws are cited, but the men both insist they have done no wrong. One of them gets off the quote of the night: “I understand y’all are doin’ y’all job, but right now I don’t feel like y’all are doin’ y’all job!” Truer words. Then things take a creepy turn. The cops pat the guys down, and one of them is packing a gun. There is a potential for things to get ugly indeed — but a quick check indicates that the gun is legally registered, that neither man has any priors, and that neither one has even been drinking. (I think the one guy got the bottle from his Mom, which is kind of sweet.) Seagal lets them go, as he must, bust first has the balls to lecture them about his righteousness: “I’m out here looking for murderers,” he tells them sternly, which is cold comfort to a poor man, living in a rough neighborhood, who has just been hassled by a slumming movie star.

Yeah, guns, alcohol, and idiot, condescending actor....what could go wrong? There's a little NSFW, but well placed, language in the article. I feel smaller for even making that warning. But there it is. Be brave citizens.

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